hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
