Ketchup is God's man juice
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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