Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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