omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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