he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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