he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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