so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
