my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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