Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
