Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
