You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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