i may or may not be watching the land before time
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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