She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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