so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
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Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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