even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize