When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
