rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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