so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my shit smells like andre
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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