i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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