whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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