I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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