Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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