Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
