I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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