Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
