She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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