I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
