I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
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Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
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I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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