I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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