I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
