I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
