i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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