I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
