She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
