Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
