I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
