i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
