singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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