i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
