fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
