My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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