I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card