I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
