I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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