I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
