If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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