as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
