Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I love having hate sex.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
