You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
