Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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