I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
