IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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