I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
