I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
